And into my appropriately selected car. Billy Ocean almost got it right. I bore witness to an atrocity the other day... several actually... but this one in particular was the spark that ignited the fuse of irritation that has exploded into this blog about appropriately selected cars. Why do people drive cars that are completely inappropriate for them!? I was leaving the grocery store the other day and saw someone driving a fairly new Lexus with one of those over-the-visor CD holders. WHAT!? Seriously? That's like buying a Picasso and hanging it in a Wal-mart frame. Would you buy a mansion and put an above ground pool in the front yard? Noooo. You wouldn't. There has to be an unwritten rule about the kinds of cars you are and are and are not allowed to drive! Am I right? Like this guy should have been driving a '99 Toyota Corolla. I don't really have a problem with over the visor CD holders... not really. But the people that use those are not the people who need to be driving Lexus. lexuses. lexi. Whatever the plural for Lexus is!
If you're the kind of person that puts CDs on your visor, hangs mardi gras beads on your rear-view mirror, is willing to post any kind of bumper sticker or decal on your car, or are younger than 25 then you limit yourself to the types of car you are qualified to drive. Anything with the words, "luxury, elite or upscale" are out of your league. Also, if you're not attractive please avoid driving sexy cars. Just because you can afford it doesn't make it appropriate. Okay, Frankie Muniz? If you have a perm or wear "mom-jeans" you don't need to drive a mustang. There are other perfectly acceptable convertibles that are more appropriate - the VW bug or the Chrysler Sebring come to mind. Oh, and Diane - yeah, you... the one driving the luxury SUV with your name on the license plate - you are not driving the appropriate car. What? Yes, I see that it has your name on it, but I believe you meant to purchase the yellow Ford Escape, not the pearl white Mercedes. And just a side note - if your name has 6 or 7 letters or can be spelled cleverly with letters and numbers, it does not mean you need to put it on your license plate. No one cares what your name is, who you are or how clever you are. Just get out of the way when you're lost and for God sakes - learn how things work at a 4-way stop. Please!
Of course there are always some blurred lines... like you're always qualified to drive any car that you've remodeled yourself or built from scratch... just PLEASE guys... not a VW rabbit...unless that's the statement you want to make. Pretty girls can drive whatever they want. I know it's not fair, but it's true. Nothing looks bad with a pretty girl driving it. However - you cannot be the judge of your own prettiness. Some of you have a skewed vision of yourself. The same is for hot guys over the age of 25. Guys younger than 25... oh wow... where do I begin. Let's just say this - you are not as awesome as you believe you are and I think all guys under the age of 25 should have to drive one P.O.S car without a stereo for at least 6 months and if it can't go over 55, then that's a bonus.
I also believe that the cars themselves should have certain rules. For example - sports cars and Jeeps should NEVER come in an automatic. If you want one - learn the gears. Consider it a right of passage. I also believe that particular cars should not be available in certain colors - yellow, for example, should only be used on really interestingly shaped SUVs (Hummers or FJs) and Jeeps or very fast sports cars. Classic cars are acceptable as well. If your car was made by Geo - it should not be yellow. Oh - and trucks don't need testicles. If you feel like you need to hang balls from your truck to let us know how "bad ass" you are, then you are not bad ass. You are just bad. Or ass. But not both. And your truck's balls, I'm guessing, are probably bigger than yours.
Am I taking the relationship with the car too seriously? Or are there others out there who feel this way, too? I should probably end this here... I just had a thought about men driving minivans like jerks to compensate for the fact that they're driving minivans and if I go off on that tangent there may be no return. So on that note I bid you good day, sir. I said, "good day!"
