Christmas... what a bummer.

Don't let the blog title confuse how I feel about Christmas. I'm a big fan. Some of my greatest childhood memories are from Christmas. I love to watch the old videos we took in the early 80's on our State-of-the-Art VIDEO CAMERA! The one that weighed about 45 pounds and required you to also lug around the box with the VHS tape in it and when you carried it around you looked like you should be working for CNN. In my favorite video from the holidays we hooked up the camera so we could see ourselves on TV as it was recording, and there is 20 minutes of me sticking my hand in front of the lens and shaking it with a giant candy cane stuck to my butt. Good times. These, of course, were all Christmases from when I was a kid... but I'm not a kid anymore. Christmas carries a whole new set of responsibilities with it. It's no longer the wonderful, whimisical holiday where we celebrate baby Jesus and write letters to Santa and wake up to gifts magically placed under the tree... Oh NO. I am now my parents.

I don't want my daughter to lose her rose-colored view on life when she wakes up on the 25th and Santa screwed everything up. It's like the year my brother asked for a 10 speed bike. It was the only thing he wanted and when he woke up Christmas morning and found his bike it was a 3 speed... "Doesn't he know the difference??" he sobbed, as it suddenly hit him that he would be the laughing stock of all his 10-speed riding friends for his inferior bike -of-few-speeds. Luckily Santa's workshop had a return policy. And please spare me your "Christmas is a time of reflection and giving and being thankful for what we have" crap. You can try and explain that to a 6-year-old... she'll be happy to give to other children, but she'll still want a pony for Christmas. When you have girls, you're already set up for Christmas failure at some point in their lives because they will all want a pony... my daughter is not getting a pony. It doesn't fit on Santa's sleigh... or in his magic bag... maybe it eats all Blitzen's carrots or something, I don't know. I just know he's not bringing one. And he's not getting that crazy Butterscotch pony either. Ugh... toys that move and act alive creep me out, but she's not getting that thing for three reasons: First, there will be one time that I'll be alone in the house and it will scare the crap out of me - that I can guarantee. Second, the kids will never take care of it and I'll end up feeding and grooming a fake animal out of guilt. Third, she's not the kid from The Toy. Unfortunately for her she has parents who love her and spend time with her instead of buy her off with toys. Lame.

The only thing that gives me any hope at all is the fact that I asked for a pony every Christmas and never got one, but I still have positive memories of Christmas. Aside from the Nintendo (not the 64 - the plain ol' Nintendo) that I got in the 4th grade - AND STILL HAVE, by the way - I don't really remember what I did get from Santa. There was always that little tinge of disappointment when I discovered no tiny horse under the tree, taking a crap in the living room, but it didn't make Christmas any less special. I had just as much fun pulling that candy can off my butt and eating it - and I did eat it... right in front of the camera - than a would have playing with that pony. So I guess I'll just have to hope that I've instilled this same attitude in my own child... the child that opened up a pair of tights I put in her stocking last year and said, "What? I didn't order this!" Should I be worried??

Cart Thieves - I shake my fist at you

It would be nice if I could go to a place like Target and have a normal experience. When I go shopping with my kids I know to expect a certain level of insanity. I know that no matter what I tell them not to do while we're in the parking lot, the second we get through the door they're going to ask me for an icee, a pack of gum and toys. If these items are not surrendered immediately, they will be requested every 5 minutes until we leave the store. The cart with the two chairs will also be fought for and I will agree to drive it... foolishly. I say foolishly because every time I go to Target and get the cart with the seat, the cart that requires a Masters degree in Engineering to maneuver through the aisles, every time I get that cart for the children... the children don't sit in it. They walk next to it, run around it in circles, cling to the sides of it like they're windsurfing, or try to climb inside the basket. They never actually sit in the chairs. I also know that one person I know will inevitably call me with an emergency at the very moment my kids start fighting over which one of them gets to hold the toy that I'm NOT going to buy. I know that in all the chaos I will completely forget what I came to the store for, didn't make a list or made one and left it in the car and will forget the very thing I planned the trip to retrieve and will not remember what that was until I'm leaving the parking lot. It's at this point that I will swear and my 6 year-old will ask me if that's the "d" word... or the "s" word depending on how badly I needed the missing item.

I know exactly what to expect when I go shopping with my kids, but is it too much to ask that when I go to Target to run a simple errand that I have a normal experience? When I have the rare opportunity to enjoy a few minutes to myself and do some mindless shopping, it would be nice if weirdos would just take a smoke break and leave me to my shopping. It would be nice if said weirdos would not steal my cart! The cart that I parked and walked away from because its freaking DECEMBER and there isn't a time when Target isn't crowded in December and I don't want to spend my time there trying to purge my cart through the aisle full of people. I should be able to put items in a cart, walk away from the cart and return to find my cart and the items right where I left them. Isn't there some unwritten grocery store (or any store requiring a cart) rule that you don't touch a cart with stuff in it? It is a cruel thing to take a woman's cart when she has 3 kids... one of them born just 6 weeks ago, and not tell her... or leave a note... something.
"Dear person who left your cart and did absolutely nothing wrong,
I took your cart and dumped all your crap because I'm lazy and I suck. I'm a horrible person and I'm sorry. Here's your crap.
Sincerely,
The Douche Bag Who took Your Cart"

Would that be so hard? Do you know what happens in the mind of a person who just had a baby, lives on 4 hours of sleep and goes down an aisle at the store only to find that her cart is gone?? I walked around for 15 minutes trying to remember where I left it before it occurred to me that someone took it and then I still circled the area 3 more times to be sure. Finally I discovered my items... carelessly dumped where my cart used to be. What a bunch of assholes! Or just one colossal asshole, but seriously! What is that all about? You couldn't find an empty cart?? I did... right next to where mine was. Oh, yeah... you bet your ass I took it. Let someone else wander around like an idiot.

Maybe I should have left a note...