What's So Funny?

The Lord works in mysterious ways? There is so much truth in that statement, however I find sometimes the Lord is REALLY obvious. You say you want to be more patient, and you will find yourself in a given number of situations that will test you to the limit. So while I have spent a lot of time the last few weeks taking deep breaths, biting my tongue and banging my head against the wall, I'd much rather let all that go (trying to be more positive was last years resolution... how am I doing so far?) and focus on something better. So, here you go...


Funny things I have witnessed recently:

1) The Coupon Suzy commercial. I LOVE commercials where everyone completely overacts! Have you ever been to the grocery store and had the person checking you out say, "That'll be One Forty?" NO. Who would say that? They would say, One Hundred and Forty dollars because they're not idiots... okay wait, they might be, but even they know that's stupid because it just is. And have you ever made an over-exaggerated grimace at that person? A grimace similar to one you might make if someone told you that Diane is in a bad mood because she walked in on her husband having an affair with a billy goat and a cucumber? That face - the one you're making right now picturing that conversation? No... because by now I'm pretty sure you know how much groceries cost. And don't get me started on Suzy's voice! It makes me want to punch her in the teeth it's so annoying. I laugh every time I watch that commercial because it's SO absurd!

2) Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb try to host a talk show. Did I just mention absurd? Are there no standards regarding what people will put on television? Who are the jackasses handing out talkshows?? All I have to say is, "poor Hoda." I don't know what bet she lost to take this job, but I hope it was worth it. Maybe she's gettin' paid. I don' know what she's takin' home, but it's not enough. There's never enough money on the table to ask you to flush your career down the toilet. Is Kathy Lee retarded? The only time she stops effing around is to push her CD - which I'm sure you've guessed is Horrible! Kathy Lee you are just not a diva. How do I know? I've never seen one drag queen dressed like you.
If you haven't seen it, you have to watch that show (just once though) to see how hysterical it is, but only in ways that it never intended to be. It's funny in the way that the story about Diane's husband is funny.

3) Did anyone else see Ryan Seacrest try to high-5 a blind guy?

4) Picture this: You've been working in your office (which is a computer in a giant playroom) and you decide to go upstairs and get a drink. On your way upstairs you hear the Hannah Montana game on the Wii and giggling. Expecting to find a happy 6 year-old bopping around the living room, you peek in and see a grown man in pajamas - remote in one hand, nunchuck in the other - trying to dance Hannah through her Paris concert so his daughter can perform in Rome. I want you all to know that I tried very hard to video tape it, but my husband was very adamant about there being no physical evidence of this event. It's a shame, too... I could have gotten us on Ellen with that footage! Can you say Youtube sensation?? And let me just say that with my husband's help, Hannah made it all the way from New York and around the world to Egypt and ending in Malibu. That's talent.

5) Technically I didn't witness this, but it's still hilarious. My mom works at a University in Austin and when they returned from winter break, they discovered that someone had thrown away something smelly and disgusting that stewed in the trashcan by the bathrooms for 2 weeks before anyone discovered it. So when my mom went to the bathroom she brought her spray with her (my mom is totally the kind of person that would have a spray in her office) to spray the area and make it smell nice. Okay nicer. She then went to the bathroom and while she was in there she had the made the unfortunate observation that someone had just pooped in the public bathroom (something my mom would NEVER do) and so she sprayed her spray in the bathroom as well. When she came out there was someone going into the bathroom. My mom has a horrible need to talk to strangers and justify her business... grocery store check out clerks, salvation army bell ringers, taxi drivers... people in line with her... the list goes one. Anyway, she tells the woman on her way into the bathroom in reference to the thing in the trash, "It's smelly, but I brought spray." The other woman said nothing and went on into the bathroom... she may have smiled, but like I said, I wasn't there. Anyway, it was at that moment that my mom realized that it now appeared as though she just told a total stranger that she just pooped in the bathroom - Again, something my poor, very considerate mom would never be caught dead doing under any circumstance... Ever. So because she has an incessant need to tell everyone her business, she became the lady who poops in the public bathroom and makes it smell so terrible that she has to bring her own spray. My poor mom. I'm going to send her more room spray.

Patience is a Virtue

It's horrible and nasty outside and since it's way too complicated to bundle up the kids and venture out into "The Day After Tomorrow" just get a starbucks and possible end up buying a whole bunch of baby items I simply do not need... I am staying in. I'm drinking over-the-counter Dunkin' Donuts coffee because I'm too lazy to make a latte. Serioulsy - it takes a lot of effort to steam milk. I'm trying to figure out what horrible virus or malware or stupid add-on has plagued my computer causing it to act out worse than a 12-year-old addicted to meth. Eh, at least it keeps me busy. Which would be a good thing if I didn't have 3 kids, a job that requires me to be online and laundry up to my ears.



Am I the only one surprised to learn that Healthful is actually proper English when referring to things?? I had no idea... in fact, I wasn't fully convinced that healthful wasn't another word that Rachel Ray had made up that had become so quickly adopted by society, like "yummo" and "EVOO." Apparently this is an actual word! Healthful. I always thought things were just healthy. How do you make it 32 years without ever knowing the word "healthful" existed? That's weird, right? What other variations of words exist that I'm unaware of? (Or since we're using proper English) of which I am unaware?



I've finally decided on a New Year's resolution. I'm resolving to be more patient. This is proving to be much more difficult than I expected. Although this will prove to be a useful trait with my kids, I'm really more concerned with being more patient with the world around me. In particular, the jackass that would prefer to see me plow into a retaining wall rather than let me merge onto the highway, speeding up when I speed up and then thinks it appropriate to honk when I get over anyway because I didn't feel like dying that day. I need to find more patience for that guy.

And for people who use words like "yummo" when the word "yummy" was already pushing my tolerance level... the ones who didn't go to culinary school that end up with 11 shows on the food network and somehow stumbles onto a talkshow of which the only person she's more qualified to host is Tyra Banks. This is made evident by here incessant need to refer to her audience as "kids" - which might be cute once in a while, but becomes like fingernails on a chalkboard with its gross overuse. And lets face it, if I were Rachel Ray's kid I'd weigh 400 pounds and would contastantly get beat up on the playground using words like "spoonula" and "stoup." Please don't mistake my annoyance with Rach as hate. I'm totally impressed with her clever 30 minute mini-meatloafs and some of her recipes totally kick ass... I just can't stand to look at her.... or hear her talk.



I'm off to tackle this huge mound of laundry that keeps giving me the furry eyeball... but before I do I will leave you with a conversation that took place in my house last night.



Mallory (3): I just hurt my butt.

Gwyneth(6): Ooooo! You just said B-U-T-T!

Mallory: NO I DIDN'T! I said Butt!!