August 30, 2006 - Wednesday
 | I went to the dentist this morning for my semi-annual cleaning... and while I was sitting in the dentist's chair, waiting for her to come and poke at me, I saw a sign. It had a picture of horrible teeth and a question, "Do you have rampant cavities?" I'm sorry, what was that? RAMPANT cavities? The very idea is terrifying! Think about it... unmonitored cavities... just running wild and free... maybe they'll steal your purse... maybe they'll make your other teeth drink beer and smoke cigarettes... who knows! These aren't normal cavities... they're wild and crazy and getting bigger! I don't know why they feel like they have to use words like rampant to scare the crap out of us (sorry... scare the candy out of us... I'm trying to get my 4-year-old to stop saying crap) to sell the floride treatments... they should be ashamed. Why can't it just say, "do you have multiple cavities?" or something mild... Look Dentists and Hygenists of Amercia, you don't need to scare the candy out of us... we're already afraid of you! You in your rolly chair and your mask and your blinding light of torture. You sit up there with your magnified, judgement filled eyes... leaning us back and lowering our chairs to a state of submission just reaffirming your alpha status. Then, just because you can... you ask us questions and then stick hooks and knives in our mouth so we can't respond... Do you know what that does to a person like me!? It's Hell I tell you, HELL!!! I just sit there trying to talk around your massive mirror that you keep wiping on my cheek... get your own cheek! You giant eyed monster! Of course after we're scrapped and beaten you give us presents of toothpaste,a toothbrush and a cute little dental floss that you can stick in your purse. How can I hate you after you have offered me peace in the form of oral care products? And then the Dentist comes in and she makes the easiest money of her life... she pokes a couple of teeth... pretends like maybe she's counting something and the whole time telling me... "My, you have very pretty teeth... I can't imagine you've had to have much dental work, have you?" I blush, "thank you." I say, "I've had mostly orthodontal work done." (This is a conversation we have every time because she never remembers me...) but how can I hate you after you've showered me with compliments and oohed and aahed over my pearlies? And so I leave... unsure of how to feel... abused or flattered? They spanked me into submission, stuck things in my mouth while I was trying to talk, kept squirting water in my eyes, the sadistic bastards! But then made me feel wonderful and pretty... But I left there feeling pretty damn good. Not because they complimented me or, in all reality the cleaning was pretty uneventful... I left feeling so great because no matter what's going on in my life and I can feel good that I do not have rampant cavities. |
No comments:
Post a Comment