Blogs From My Past, Part III

This one doesn't really need an explanation.

August 30, 2006 - Wednesday

Rampant Cavities I went to the dentist this morning for my semi-annual cleaning... and while I was sitting in the dentist's chair, waiting for her to come and poke at me, I saw a sign. It had a picture of horrible teeth and a question, "Do you have rampant cavities?" I'm sorry, what was that? RAMPANT cavities? The very idea is terrifying! Think about it... unmonitored cavities... just running wild and free... maybe they'll steal your purse... maybe they'll make your other teeth drink beer and smoke cigarettes... who knows! These aren't normal cavities... they're wild and crazy and getting bigger! I don't know why they feel like they have to use words like rampant to scare the crap out of us (sorry... scare the candy out of us... I'm trying to get my 4-year-old to stop saying crap) to sell the floride treatments... they should be ashamed. Why can't it just say, "do you have multiple cavities?" or something mild... Look Dentists and Hygenists of Amercia, you don't need to scare the candy out of us... we're already afraid of you! You in your rolly chair and your mask and your blinding light of torture. You sit up there with your magnified, judgement filled eyes... leaning us back and lowering our chairs to a state of submission just reaffirming your alpha status. Then, just because you can... you ask us questions and then stick hooks and knives in our mouth so we can't respond... Do you know what that does to a person like me!? It's Hell I tell you, HELL!!! I just sit there trying to talk around your massive mirror that you keep wiping on my cheek... get your own cheek! You giant eyed monster! Of course after we're scrapped and beaten you give us presents of toothpaste,a toothbrush and a cute little dental floss that you can stick in your purse. How can I hate you after you have offered me peace in the form of oral care products? And then the Dentist comes in and she makes the easiest money of her life... she pokes a couple of teeth... pretends like maybe she's counting something and the whole time telling me... "My, you have very pretty teeth... I can't imagine you've had to have much dental work, have you?" I blush, "thank you." I say, "I've had mostly orthodontal work done." (This is a conversation we have every time because she never remembers me...) but how can I hate you after you've showered me with compliments and oohed and aahed over my pearlies? And so I leave... unsure of how to feel... abused or flattered? They spanked me into submission, stuck things in my mouth while I was trying to talk, kept squirting water in my eyes, the sadistic bastards! But then made me feel wonderful and pretty... But I left there feeling pretty damn good. Not because they complimented me or, in all reality the cleaning was pretty uneventful... I left feeling so great because no matter what's going on in my life and I can feel good that I do not have rampant cavities.

Blogs From My Past, Part II

This blog is from costume shopping before my 30th birthday Halloween party. This was a special day for me so I'm copying it over:

October - 2006

It's Better Than 60...

I went to a Halloween Warehouse yesterday with my best friend, Lindsay. She was very stressed out about not yet having the perfect Halloween costume in mind, and like me, was giving in to buying a pre-made costume. We actually did find the perfect costume. A tavern wench, which is basically a short leiderhosen skirt with a petticoat. It's very "St. Paulie Girl" and very cute so she purchased a blonde braided wig to go with it. Up until we found the costume, Lindsay was very distraught and not at all feeling the holiday spirit - pun intended. Finally we spied this very appropriate costume and snatched it from the shelf. It had all of the required elements - it was not frumpy, it had a male counterpart for her husband and it wasn't a fairy. It also had the bonus of being a hostess-esque costume, so assuming it fit it was perfect. Off we were to the dressing room.

For a costume place, they really dropped the ball in the dressing room department. Lindsay was forced to try on the costume in a tall, box-like structure with a torn shower curtain, hanging lazily over the opening. Standing outside of the "dressing room" I have now become the shower curtain as I stretch to pull up the draping corners to keep onlookers from peering at her goodies. Unbeknownst to Lindsay, I'm occasionally dropping the curtain in order to sip from my Latte as I act as a barricade for my naked friend. I finally am asked to assist with the zipper and offer an opinion. It was super and I said so. I really liked it. She was hesitant to exit the dressing room to peak in the mirror, however I explained to her if she couldn't wear it out of a dressing room she wasn't going to be able to wear it in front of 100 of our closest friends.
While I was waiting for Lindsay, a couple came up to try on their costume - a bowling ball and pin that says "spare me" on the front. Not a costume I would have chosen, but I'll admit it got a giggle out of me. Maybe I would have liked it better if the woman was the pin and not the ball. Anway, when Lindsay sprang from the dressing room looking like Gretle after her 21st birthday, they oohed and aahed over how much they liked it. Of course we then ventured on to talk about "The Party." As I said, "well that Saturday is my 30th birthday, so.." I was interrupted... "You're not 30!" The bowling pin said. I looked at his female counterpart and laughed and said, "I think you're required to say that." Technically he was right... I'm not 30.... I'm 29. But at that point it occurred to me... is this what people feel they have to say when they think you're old. I figured the couple was at least in their late 20's if not 30's so I was surprised by his shock at my age. Is turning 30 or any number above 30 kind of like hearing someone weighs over 200 pounds? If someone says to me, "I weigh 220 pounds" and they're not 6ft tall or a man the first thing I'm probably going to say is "You're not 220 pounds! No way." Which basically tells that person that 220 pounds means you're a fat ass and up until this moment I didn't realize you were such a fat ass.

I know that by saying this we think we've offered this fat person some sort of solace. We think we've convinced them that we never really figured they were fat. When actually our act of surprise does more harm than good by letting them know what we really think of their actual weight and how we will look at them from now on. We would actually do less damage if we just said, "oh okay." and left it at that.

So, knowing this, I've become very excited about reaching this personal milestone. If anything it'll give me a chance to make people really uncomfortable when they act so surprised that I'm "so old." But in the grand scheme of things, turning 30 is not a big deal. My mom just turned 60! That crazy kitten! Now try dealing with that one...She told me the other day that they don't even market beauty products to women in their 60's. There are skin regiments for every age group through your 50's... when you turn 60 they stop. They've just decided there is no help for you now and may God be with you. After hearing that - 30's a piece of cake. And as I've said before, who can be upset about having a birthday when you're going to have an awesome party!? 13 days!!! Be ready!

Blogs From My Past

I used to only blog on MySpace... What!? There was a space for it, so I used it. Anyway, there are a couple of blogs on there - 80 in all - and some of them just sort of disappear forever when they get to be too old. You have to know what the dates are to access them. Crazy! So I'm poking through those old blogs and looking for any that I find particularly funny and reposting on here. If you have ever read my blog on MySpace, then I apologize as this will be review for you... but I'm just going to post a few. For fun. So here's the first (warning! Adult content... it is spam after all):

More Work Spam Yay!

Some of you already know from my previous blogs that I deal with a lot of email spam at work. Like around 2,000 spam messages per day... and that is not an exaggeration... in some cases that's undershooting the number. The problem is that I don't get to have a "junk mail" box that I can just dump... I actually have to delete them one by one... well it's not quite that arduous of a task. Really I delete them in groups, but not before I view the subject of each one to verify that it's spam. As a result I'm presented with some very interesting email subjects that I like to share with you fine folks. I mean, honestly, why should this much fun be limited to just one person!? So I've selected a few of my favorites and, of course, have added my commentary to add to their awesomeness...

Here we go:

1) This is a two parter
1a. My new guy's dick is enormous, and my mouth is tiny.
1b. I just started dating a guy I like, but his pecker is on the small side and doesn't really satisfy me.

Comment: First of all - to 1a), what in the hell is anyone supposed to do about the size of your mouth? Do they make pills that make your mouth bigger?? I'm asking because due to the high quantity of emails I view regarding "make your penis bigger pills" I'm just wondering if that's the point here... do you want a bigger mouth or a guy with a teeny peeny? If the later is the case, I have a woman who is complaining about her guys "small pecker" a.k.a. 1b). She has aparantly been brought to us from 1985 where people still use the word pecker... maybe you two could trade. Then her giant vi-jay jay and your small mouth will both be satisfied... after long last. You're welcome.

2.) No more lonely nights! The new era of big pen!s begins!

Comment: Why do I care about big pens? OOOhhh... that's an exclamation point used as an I... that's supposed to say penis! There was an era of the small penis? So this new era is supposed to get you laid? Does this new era do anything about your face?

3.) PHENTERMINE, CODEINE, VALIUM, XANAX, Cheapest Generic Medication, Buy in Bulk and Save! free

Comment: Why am I buying in bulk to save if they're free? What kind of game are you running here!? Serioulsy... I'm confused... do I need to pay for the xanax or should I just buy in bulk?

4.) Women will never complain.

Comment: You may fall for the "big penis" email or the Spamed stock stips, but you don't seriously believe this do you? Does the product show you how to put your socks in the hamper?

6.) Looking for qualitative w4tches? Go to Prest1ge Repl1cas

Comment: Qualitative watches!? Thank Goodness. I've grown so tired of those stupid Quantitative watches. Oh... and by the way... you're spelling with numbers... that's only okay in text messaging or license plates.

7.) It's Berthas Girls Night Out again, how about it?

Comment: Bertha? That's the best name you could come up with? I'm supposed to be interested in what Bertha does on her night out? Is Bertha a farm animal? I think I'll pass.

8.) I was looking for a method to improve my size. By size, I mean overall length and width of my penis

Comment: Wow... well that went from vague to incredibly specific. If you were so ready to go there, then why didn't you just start there? Why not just come out the gate being specific? Why do you have to be such a penis enlarging tease?

9.) Most popular online apothecary.

Comment: Somebody got their Translating English for Creatively wording Spam word of the Day Calendar.

10.) Games save lives

Comments: How? By keeping all the fat kids too slow to jump out of the way of your car that you're driving under the influence of bulk perscription drugs in the house?

11.) I fill her whole mouth now.

Comment: Oh wait, Dude... I don't know how to tell you this, but she totally doesn't like it. Apparently she's now unhappy with her tiny mouth... you might want to lay off the penis enlargement and talk to her...

12.) 94% of women agree a larger penis is a visual turn-on

Comment: What women were polled for this survey? Did they used to be men? Because no woman finds a penis to be a visual turn-on... I don't care how big it is. Penises are not attractive at any size. I think you'll find that 94% of women find abs to be a visual turn-on... maybe larger wallets... but not penises.

13.) Free games for Kids

Comment: Gee, thanks Mr. Pedophile! You're not going to make me wear that outfit again, are you? I guess I shouldn't complain... by giving free games, you are apparently saving lives.

Okay - that's all I have for today... See all the fun you could be having with your Spam? You should definitley think twice before emptying your bulk folder. How else will Bertha get a hold of you?

My Thoughts and My Cell Phone

I recently discovered a feature on my cell phone. I'm exploring it trying to find things to like about it because my contract doesn't expire until September and I really want a Blackberry... okay I really want an iPhone, but since Neal already has one I can only anticipate the end of our relationship if another one is brought into the home, so Blackberry it is. This is for one of 2 reasons: 1) We would completely stop talking to each other because we would constantly be messing with new aps and Facebooking or 2) We would constantly fight because I accidentally took Neal's phone instead of my own, or vice versa, because we are both that absent-minded. I already have a Mac and an iPod... I can live without the iPhone. Besides, if I did get one I'd be completely brought over to the "other side." The Apple side. Maybe I need the Blackberry to keep me grounded. So I've been touring the features on my current phone, trying to find reasons why it's SO COOL so I don't get completely irritated at all the buttons I have to push to send a simple text message. Stupid buttons! Anyway, I found a voice recorder. Now before you sigh like my 6-year-old and say, "duh" know that I know this is a common feature. It's just not one I'd used on my phone before... at least not on purpose. I've recorded conversations by accident at least a dozen times, but now I'm using it intentionally. I've decided every time I see something or have a random thought that I will say it into my phone and talk about it later. Lucky you!

Thought #1
Super Weightless? I was watching a Cover Girl commercial and was listening to Beyonce, Eva Longoria Parker and Elizabeth Banks spew very trendy, scripted lines about how awesome the make-up is and I began to wonder what happened to our language. Do people just use words to use them? So people use the word "super" instead of "very" and that's okay, but to call something super weightless... really? Can you be MORE weightless than weightless? Was Cover Girl so concerned with making their make-up appeal to all ages that they decided it was a good idea to make 3 successful women (ages 27, 33, and 35 - I checked) talk like 13-year olds? Why not just have them do the commercial in a text message? SPR W8L3SS! I wonder if Elizabeth Banks knew when she signed up to do the commercial that you were going to make her sound like an idiot? Super Light... that would have worked, but Super Weightless? Dumb. It's just dumb.

Thought #2
Why do old people wear their nightgown to the mailbox? I was driving home from the gym and I saw a woman who was in her late 70's... maaaayybe early 80's getting her mail. It was around 11am and she was wearing a knee-length nightgown, matching robe and slippers. First of all... the fact that she was still in her jammies at 11am when you know she got up at 4:30 is awesome, but she wore them out on the street - a well traveled street - without a thought. Then it occurred to me that the lady down the street from me also gathers her mail in her jammies... but she's one of those ageless people that could be anywhere from 40 to 75 - I have no idea. The point is that older ladies have a tendency to grab their mail in their jammies - - I don't think I've ever seen an old man get his mail. I want to do this! I want to walk out of my house and not care if I have a bra on. I want to not care about walking outside in what are OBVIOUSLY night clothes at lunchtime. First I need jammies... I just sleep in t-shirts and shorts, mostly, so I would need more pj-like attire. I guess what I really just need is a house coat - a frilly, silky one with lots of lace and doilyesque features. And old lady slippers - the spongy, terry cloth ones. Although, with all the efforts I take in trying not to look like I'm growing old... maybe I should hold off until I've gone over the hill and am back on the flat.

Thought #3
A guy on the radio used the word "persistencey." I don't think this one needs an explanation, but I'll give one anyway. Persistencey. I would cut the guy some slack for making up words if he had caught himself, but if you're on a nationally syndicated show and you're interviewing someone... shouldn't you know that this is not a word? Persist. Persistent. Persistently. Persistence - yes. But persistencey? Like your persistencey in that situation was super weightless?

That's it?

I only used this feature 3 times!?

I felt like I was using it all the time. Anyway, I might have a crappy phone (1 - 1 - B, 2 - 2 - E, 2 - 2 - 2 - C, 1 - A, 8 - 8 - U) but at least I can find a use for it that keeps me entertained.

Cookies!?

Oh why, WHY must the girl across the street be a Girl Scout!?  Why do parents have to encourage positive socialization and skill building by letting their daughters join the Girl Scouts?  Don't you know that I do not need any more cookies in my house?  Damn you, Girl Scouts and your chocolaty-peanut buttery goodness.  We've already plowed through 2 boxes and I haven't even opened the thin mints in the freezer.  Aw boo.  That on top of the 4 jars of chunky blue cheese sitting in my fridge and I'm screwed.  Just sign me up for my fat pants right now.  Is it not bad enough that I had a baby four months ago, but you have to taunt me with girl scout cookies and blue cheese?  What am I, Job!?   

I was a girl scout once.  Actually, since I was in the 3rd grade we could only be "Brownies."  I don't think they have Brownies anymore... anyway, your uniform was... well... brown, of course and looked like a drab version of the Girl Scout uniform which was green and perky.  I'm sure there's some symbolism in there somewhere.  I honestly don't remember much of being a Brownie.  I think we went on a camping trip.  I remember more about being an Indian Princess when I was around 6 years old, than I do about being a Brownie... probably because they gave us feathers for doing things (like being able to stand up and and say everyone's name... they don't require a lot from you when you're six) and you attached them to a stick.  Colorful feathers on a stick totally trumps a sash with badges.  I don't think they have Indian Princesses anymore, either.  I wonder if they've been sent to the PC graveyard... Buried in the 80's with terms like "Indian Style."   Remember when everyone just threw out Indian Style like it wasn't totally offensive?  What other racist terminology have we done away with from our childhood? Oh! Indian giver was another one!  What did we have against Indians anyway?  It's not like it was 1820... what were we all at Wounded Knee or something?  How does something like that make it all the way to the 1980's before someone said, "ya know... maybe this is a bit dated."   

Anyway, back to what I was saying... At the end of the 3rd grade year we had a graduation ceremony where we crossed the threshold and were given our green sashes to symbolize our passage from young-girldome into older young-girldome.  That's the only thing I really remember about being a Brownie and that's probably because the ceremony was at my house.  I don't even remember how I received a single badge.  Honestly I don't remember if I received a badge... but surely I had at least one!  So what do you do in Girl Scouts, anyway!?  I know that in Boy Scouts my brothers learned how to tie knots and built pinewood derby cars and raced them... could Girl Scouts just be like an undercover child labor operation to sell cookies??  Those stupid cookies... they aren't even that good!!!  Why do I feel compelled to buy them and eat them in large quantities?  It's a good thing I finally got my new running shoes... I was running out of bandages for all the damage my old shoes were doing and need to burn off these cookies!  It takes 10 seconds to down a Tagalong and 45 minutes on a treadmill at 6 mph to negate it's affect on my thighs.  That is not balanced.  I vote we bring back Indian Princesses and teach them to off the Girl Scouts when they try to sell us cookies.  Okay, maybe not OFF them... they are children after all... maybe just hog tie 'em... that's a skill.    

  

What's So Funny?

The Lord works in mysterious ways? There is so much truth in that statement, however I find sometimes the Lord is REALLY obvious. You say you want to be more patient, and you will find yourself in a given number of situations that will test you to the limit. So while I have spent a lot of time the last few weeks taking deep breaths, biting my tongue and banging my head against the wall, I'd much rather let all that go (trying to be more positive was last years resolution... how am I doing so far?) and focus on something better. So, here you go...


Funny things I have witnessed recently:

1) The Coupon Suzy commercial. I LOVE commercials where everyone completely overacts! Have you ever been to the grocery store and had the person checking you out say, "That'll be One Forty?" NO. Who would say that? They would say, One Hundred and Forty dollars because they're not idiots... okay wait, they might be, but even they know that's stupid because it just is. And have you ever made an over-exaggerated grimace at that person? A grimace similar to one you might make if someone told you that Diane is in a bad mood because she walked in on her husband having an affair with a billy goat and a cucumber? That face - the one you're making right now picturing that conversation? No... because by now I'm pretty sure you know how much groceries cost. And don't get me started on Suzy's voice! It makes me want to punch her in the teeth it's so annoying. I laugh every time I watch that commercial because it's SO absurd!

2) Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb try to host a talk show. Did I just mention absurd? Are there no standards regarding what people will put on television? Who are the jackasses handing out talkshows?? All I have to say is, "poor Hoda." I don't know what bet she lost to take this job, but I hope it was worth it. Maybe she's gettin' paid. I don' know what she's takin' home, but it's not enough. There's never enough money on the table to ask you to flush your career down the toilet. Is Kathy Lee retarded? The only time she stops effing around is to push her CD - which I'm sure you've guessed is Horrible! Kathy Lee you are just not a diva. How do I know? I've never seen one drag queen dressed like you.
If you haven't seen it, you have to watch that show (just once though) to see how hysterical it is, but only in ways that it never intended to be. It's funny in the way that the story about Diane's husband is funny.

3) Did anyone else see Ryan Seacrest try to high-5 a blind guy?

4) Picture this: You've been working in your office (which is a computer in a giant playroom) and you decide to go upstairs and get a drink. On your way upstairs you hear the Hannah Montana game on the Wii and giggling. Expecting to find a happy 6 year-old bopping around the living room, you peek in and see a grown man in pajamas - remote in one hand, nunchuck in the other - trying to dance Hannah through her Paris concert so his daughter can perform in Rome. I want you all to know that I tried very hard to video tape it, but my husband was very adamant about there being no physical evidence of this event. It's a shame, too... I could have gotten us on Ellen with that footage! Can you say Youtube sensation?? And let me just say that with my husband's help, Hannah made it all the way from New York and around the world to Egypt and ending in Malibu. That's talent.

5) Technically I didn't witness this, but it's still hilarious. My mom works at a University in Austin and when they returned from winter break, they discovered that someone had thrown away something smelly and disgusting that stewed in the trashcan by the bathrooms for 2 weeks before anyone discovered it. So when my mom went to the bathroom she brought her spray with her (my mom is totally the kind of person that would have a spray in her office) to spray the area and make it smell nice. Okay nicer. She then went to the bathroom and while she was in there she had the made the unfortunate observation that someone had just pooped in the public bathroom (something my mom would NEVER do) and so she sprayed her spray in the bathroom as well. When she came out there was someone going into the bathroom. My mom has a horrible need to talk to strangers and justify her business... grocery store check out clerks, salvation army bell ringers, taxi drivers... people in line with her... the list goes one. Anyway, she tells the woman on her way into the bathroom in reference to the thing in the trash, "It's smelly, but I brought spray." The other woman said nothing and went on into the bathroom... she may have smiled, but like I said, I wasn't there. Anyway, it was at that moment that my mom realized that it now appeared as though she just told a total stranger that she just pooped in the bathroom - Again, something my poor, very considerate mom would never be caught dead doing under any circumstance... Ever. So because she has an incessant need to tell everyone her business, she became the lady who poops in the public bathroom and makes it smell so terrible that she has to bring her own spray. My poor mom. I'm going to send her more room spray.

Patience is a Virtue

It's horrible and nasty outside and since it's way too complicated to bundle up the kids and venture out into "The Day After Tomorrow" just get a starbucks and possible end up buying a whole bunch of baby items I simply do not need... I am staying in. I'm drinking over-the-counter Dunkin' Donuts coffee because I'm too lazy to make a latte. Serioulsy - it takes a lot of effort to steam milk. I'm trying to figure out what horrible virus or malware or stupid add-on has plagued my computer causing it to act out worse than a 12-year-old addicted to meth. Eh, at least it keeps me busy. Which would be a good thing if I didn't have 3 kids, a job that requires me to be online and laundry up to my ears.



Am I the only one surprised to learn that Healthful is actually proper English when referring to things?? I had no idea... in fact, I wasn't fully convinced that healthful wasn't another word that Rachel Ray had made up that had become so quickly adopted by society, like "yummo" and "EVOO." Apparently this is an actual word! Healthful. I always thought things were just healthy. How do you make it 32 years without ever knowing the word "healthful" existed? That's weird, right? What other variations of words exist that I'm unaware of? (Or since we're using proper English) of which I am unaware?



I've finally decided on a New Year's resolution. I'm resolving to be more patient. This is proving to be much more difficult than I expected. Although this will prove to be a useful trait with my kids, I'm really more concerned with being more patient with the world around me. In particular, the jackass that would prefer to see me plow into a retaining wall rather than let me merge onto the highway, speeding up when I speed up and then thinks it appropriate to honk when I get over anyway because I didn't feel like dying that day. I need to find more patience for that guy.

And for people who use words like "yummo" when the word "yummy" was already pushing my tolerance level... the ones who didn't go to culinary school that end up with 11 shows on the food network and somehow stumbles onto a talkshow of which the only person she's more qualified to host is Tyra Banks. This is made evident by here incessant need to refer to her audience as "kids" - which might be cute once in a while, but becomes like fingernails on a chalkboard with its gross overuse. And lets face it, if I were Rachel Ray's kid I'd weigh 400 pounds and would contastantly get beat up on the playground using words like "spoonula" and "stoup." Please don't mistake my annoyance with Rach as hate. I'm totally impressed with her clever 30 minute mini-meatloafs and some of her recipes totally kick ass... I just can't stand to look at her.... or hear her talk.



I'm off to tackle this huge mound of laundry that keeps giving me the furry eyeball... but before I do I will leave you with a conversation that took place in my house last night.



Mallory (3): I just hurt my butt.

Gwyneth(6): Ooooo! You just said B-U-T-T!

Mallory: NO I DIDN'T! I said Butt!!