What's So Funny?

The Lord works in mysterious ways? There is so much truth in that statement, however I find sometimes the Lord is REALLY obvious. You say you want to be more patient, and you will find yourself in a given number of situations that will test you to the limit. So while I have spent a lot of time the last few weeks taking deep breaths, biting my tongue and banging my head against the wall, I'd much rather let all that go (trying to be more positive was last years resolution... how am I doing so far?) and focus on something better. So, here you go...


Funny things I have witnessed recently:

1) The Coupon Suzy commercial. I LOVE commercials where everyone completely overacts! Have you ever been to the grocery store and had the person checking you out say, "That'll be One Forty?" NO. Who would say that? They would say, One Hundred and Forty dollars because they're not idiots... okay wait, they might be, but even they know that's stupid because it just is. And have you ever made an over-exaggerated grimace at that person? A grimace similar to one you might make if someone told you that Diane is in a bad mood because she walked in on her husband having an affair with a billy goat and a cucumber? That face - the one you're making right now picturing that conversation? No... because by now I'm pretty sure you know how much groceries cost. And don't get me started on Suzy's voice! It makes me want to punch her in the teeth it's so annoying. I laugh every time I watch that commercial because it's SO absurd!

2) Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb try to host a talk show. Did I just mention absurd? Are there no standards regarding what people will put on television? Who are the jackasses handing out talkshows?? All I have to say is, "poor Hoda." I don't know what bet she lost to take this job, but I hope it was worth it. Maybe she's gettin' paid. I don' know what she's takin' home, but it's not enough. There's never enough money on the table to ask you to flush your career down the toilet. Is Kathy Lee retarded? The only time she stops effing around is to push her CD - which I'm sure you've guessed is Horrible! Kathy Lee you are just not a diva. How do I know? I've never seen one drag queen dressed like you.
If you haven't seen it, you have to watch that show (just once though) to see how hysterical it is, but only in ways that it never intended to be. It's funny in the way that the story about Diane's husband is funny.

3) Did anyone else see Ryan Seacrest try to high-5 a blind guy?

4) Picture this: You've been working in your office (which is a computer in a giant playroom) and you decide to go upstairs and get a drink. On your way upstairs you hear the Hannah Montana game on the Wii and giggling. Expecting to find a happy 6 year-old bopping around the living room, you peek in and see a grown man in pajamas - remote in one hand, nunchuck in the other - trying to dance Hannah through her Paris concert so his daughter can perform in Rome. I want you all to know that I tried very hard to video tape it, but my husband was very adamant about there being no physical evidence of this event. It's a shame, too... I could have gotten us on Ellen with that footage! Can you say Youtube sensation?? And let me just say that with my husband's help, Hannah made it all the way from New York and around the world to Egypt and ending in Malibu. That's talent.

5) Technically I didn't witness this, but it's still hilarious. My mom works at a University in Austin and when they returned from winter break, they discovered that someone had thrown away something smelly and disgusting that stewed in the trashcan by the bathrooms for 2 weeks before anyone discovered it. So when my mom went to the bathroom she brought her spray with her (my mom is totally the kind of person that would have a spray in her office) to spray the area and make it smell nice. Okay nicer. She then went to the bathroom and while she was in there she had the made the unfortunate observation that someone had just pooped in the public bathroom (something my mom would NEVER do) and so she sprayed her spray in the bathroom as well. When she came out there was someone going into the bathroom. My mom has a horrible need to talk to strangers and justify her business... grocery store check out clerks, salvation army bell ringers, taxi drivers... people in line with her... the list goes one. Anyway, she tells the woman on her way into the bathroom in reference to the thing in the trash, "It's smelly, but I brought spray." The other woman said nothing and went on into the bathroom... she may have smiled, but like I said, I wasn't there. Anyway, it was at that moment that my mom realized that it now appeared as though she just told a total stranger that she just pooped in the bathroom - Again, something my poor, very considerate mom would never be caught dead doing under any circumstance... Ever. So because she has an incessant need to tell everyone her business, she became the lady who poops in the public bathroom and makes it smell so terrible that she has to bring her own spray. My poor mom. I'm going to send her more room spray.

Patience is a Virtue

It's horrible and nasty outside and since it's way too complicated to bundle up the kids and venture out into "The Day After Tomorrow" just get a starbucks and possible end up buying a whole bunch of baby items I simply do not need... I am staying in. I'm drinking over-the-counter Dunkin' Donuts coffee because I'm too lazy to make a latte. Serioulsy - it takes a lot of effort to steam milk. I'm trying to figure out what horrible virus or malware or stupid add-on has plagued my computer causing it to act out worse than a 12-year-old addicted to meth. Eh, at least it keeps me busy. Which would be a good thing if I didn't have 3 kids, a job that requires me to be online and laundry up to my ears.



Am I the only one surprised to learn that Healthful is actually proper English when referring to things?? I had no idea... in fact, I wasn't fully convinced that healthful wasn't another word that Rachel Ray had made up that had become so quickly adopted by society, like "yummo" and "EVOO." Apparently this is an actual word! Healthful. I always thought things were just healthy. How do you make it 32 years without ever knowing the word "healthful" existed? That's weird, right? What other variations of words exist that I'm unaware of? (Or since we're using proper English) of which I am unaware?



I've finally decided on a New Year's resolution. I'm resolving to be more patient. This is proving to be much more difficult than I expected. Although this will prove to be a useful trait with my kids, I'm really more concerned with being more patient with the world around me. In particular, the jackass that would prefer to see me plow into a retaining wall rather than let me merge onto the highway, speeding up when I speed up and then thinks it appropriate to honk when I get over anyway because I didn't feel like dying that day. I need to find more patience for that guy.

And for people who use words like "yummo" when the word "yummy" was already pushing my tolerance level... the ones who didn't go to culinary school that end up with 11 shows on the food network and somehow stumbles onto a talkshow of which the only person she's more qualified to host is Tyra Banks. This is made evident by here incessant need to refer to her audience as "kids" - which might be cute once in a while, but becomes like fingernails on a chalkboard with its gross overuse. And lets face it, if I were Rachel Ray's kid I'd weigh 400 pounds and would contastantly get beat up on the playground using words like "spoonula" and "stoup." Please don't mistake my annoyance with Rach as hate. I'm totally impressed with her clever 30 minute mini-meatloafs and some of her recipes totally kick ass... I just can't stand to look at her.... or hear her talk.



I'm off to tackle this huge mound of laundry that keeps giving me the furry eyeball... but before I do I will leave you with a conversation that took place in my house last night.



Mallory (3): I just hurt my butt.

Gwyneth(6): Ooooo! You just said B-U-T-T!

Mallory: NO I DIDN'T! I said Butt!!

Christmas... what a bummer.

Don't let the blog title confuse how I feel about Christmas. I'm a big fan. Some of my greatest childhood memories are from Christmas. I love to watch the old videos we took in the early 80's on our State-of-the-Art VIDEO CAMERA! The one that weighed about 45 pounds and required you to also lug around the box with the VHS tape in it and when you carried it around you looked like you should be working for CNN. In my favorite video from the holidays we hooked up the camera so we could see ourselves on TV as it was recording, and there is 20 minutes of me sticking my hand in front of the lens and shaking it with a giant candy cane stuck to my butt. Good times. These, of course, were all Christmases from when I was a kid... but I'm not a kid anymore. Christmas carries a whole new set of responsibilities with it. It's no longer the wonderful, whimisical holiday where we celebrate baby Jesus and write letters to Santa and wake up to gifts magically placed under the tree... Oh NO. I am now my parents.

I don't want my daughter to lose her rose-colored view on life when she wakes up on the 25th and Santa screwed everything up. It's like the year my brother asked for a 10 speed bike. It was the only thing he wanted and when he woke up Christmas morning and found his bike it was a 3 speed... "Doesn't he know the difference??" he sobbed, as it suddenly hit him that he would be the laughing stock of all his 10-speed riding friends for his inferior bike -of-few-speeds. Luckily Santa's workshop had a return policy. And please spare me your "Christmas is a time of reflection and giving and being thankful for what we have" crap. You can try and explain that to a 6-year-old... she'll be happy to give to other children, but she'll still want a pony for Christmas. When you have girls, you're already set up for Christmas failure at some point in their lives because they will all want a pony... my daughter is not getting a pony. It doesn't fit on Santa's sleigh... or in his magic bag... maybe it eats all Blitzen's carrots or something, I don't know. I just know he's not bringing one. And he's not getting that crazy Butterscotch pony either. Ugh... toys that move and act alive creep me out, but she's not getting that thing for three reasons: First, there will be one time that I'll be alone in the house and it will scare the crap out of me - that I can guarantee. Second, the kids will never take care of it and I'll end up feeding and grooming a fake animal out of guilt. Third, she's not the kid from The Toy. Unfortunately for her she has parents who love her and spend time with her instead of buy her off with toys. Lame.

The only thing that gives me any hope at all is the fact that I asked for a pony every Christmas and never got one, but I still have positive memories of Christmas. Aside from the Nintendo (not the 64 - the plain ol' Nintendo) that I got in the 4th grade - AND STILL HAVE, by the way - I don't really remember what I did get from Santa. There was always that little tinge of disappointment when I discovered no tiny horse under the tree, taking a crap in the living room, but it didn't make Christmas any less special. I had just as much fun pulling that candy can off my butt and eating it - and I did eat it... right in front of the camera - than a would have playing with that pony. So I guess I'll just have to hope that I've instilled this same attitude in my own child... the child that opened up a pair of tights I put in her stocking last year and said, "What? I didn't order this!" Should I be worried??

Cart Thieves - I shake my fist at you

It would be nice if I could go to a place like Target and have a normal experience. When I go shopping with my kids I know to expect a certain level of insanity. I know that no matter what I tell them not to do while we're in the parking lot, the second we get through the door they're going to ask me for an icee, a pack of gum and toys. If these items are not surrendered immediately, they will be requested every 5 minutes until we leave the store. The cart with the two chairs will also be fought for and I will agree to drive it... foolishly. I say foolishly because every time I go to Target and get the cart with the seat, the cart that requires a Masters degree in Engineering to maneuver through the aisles, every time I get that cart for the children... the children don't sit in it. They walk next to it, run around it in circles, cling to the sides of it like they're windsurfing, or try to climb inside the basket. They never actually sit in the chairs. I also know that one person I know will inevitably call me with an emergency at the very moment my kids start fighting over which one of them gets to hold the toy that I'm NOT going to buy. I know that in all the chaos I will completely forget what I came to the store for, didn't make a list or made one and left it in the car and will forget the very thing I planned the trip to retrieve and will not remember what that was until I'm leaving the parking lot. It's at this point that I will swear and my 6 year-old will ask me if that's the "d" word... or the "s" word depending on how badly I needed the missing item.

I know exactly what to expect when I go shopping with my kids, but is it too much to ask that when I go to Target to run a simple errand that I have a normal experience? When I have the rare opportunity to enjoy a few minutes to myself and do some mindless shopping, it would be nice if weirdos would just take a smoke break and leave me to my shopping. It would be nice if said weirdos would not steal my cart! The cart that I parked and walked away from because its freaking DECEMBER and there isn't a time when Target isn't crowded in December and I don't want to spend my time there trying to purge my cart through the aisle full of people. I should be able to put items in a cart, walk away from the cart and return to find my cart and the items right where I left them. Isn't there some unwritten grocery store (or any store requiring a cart) rule that you don't touch a cart with stuff in it? It is a cruel thing to take a woman's cart when she has 3 kids... one of them born just 6 weeks ago, and not tell her... or leave a note... something.
"Dear person who left your cart and did absolutely nothing wrong,
I took your cart and dumped all your crap because I'm lazy and I suck. I'm a horrible person and I'm sorry. Here's your crap.
Sincerely,
The Douche Bag Who took Your Cart"

Would that be so hard? Do you know what happens in the mind of a person who just had a baby, lives on 4 hours of sleep and goes down an aisle at the store only to find that her cart is gone?? I walked around for 15 minutes trying to remember where I left it before it occurred to me that someone took it and then I still circled the area 3 more times to be sure. Finally I discovered my items... carelessly dumped where my cart used to be. What a bunch of assholes! Or just one colossal asshole, but seriously! What is that all about? You couldn't find an empty cart?? I did... right next to where mine was. Oh, yeah... you bet your ass I took it. Let someone else wander around like an idiot.

Maybe I should have left a note...